Hey Awesome Ones!
In my practice and in my community, I hear quite a few people talk about their desire to feel more confident in themselves and their work. They want to understand their unique value and ultimately, feel their worth. And wow, do I get it.
Confidence (which has a closely related cousin called “worthiness”) is about the belief that we are good enough. Although self-confidence or worthiness can seem like an intangible concept, in a moment, I’ll give you a couple of tools to track of what you do well to create data points that boost your self-worth and confidence.
Our relationship with ourselves is by far the most important relationship that we’ll ever have and there are no 2 people who have have studied successful relationships more than Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They run the Gottman Institute here in Seattle and have been collecting data points on successful marriages for more than 40 years. In their research of studying more than 3,000(!) couples, they discovered a formula with which they can predict a successful marriage. Their data says for every 1 piece of negative feedback we receive from our spouse, we must receive 5 pieces of positive feedback to stay in balance. Wow, our poor ego can be so tender. If 5:1 is the winning ratio for creating successful relationship with our spouse, how awesome could we be to ourselves if we tried even a 2:1 positive thought ratio?
To build up our self-confidence, we need to believe in ourselves and ultimately, our importance. For those of us who have deeply ingrained stories of unimportance or even failure, this may seem like an impossible ending or outcome. Luckily, if we can begin SLOWLY, by taking small, baby step accomplishments, we can create openings for new data points and new stories that quiet our inner critic and, in turn, build confidence. Here are 3 simple tools to boost your confidence with tiny baby steps.
- Start with little goals. Achieving small goals every day creates success momentum which spills over into all areas of life. For example: “One morning this week, I’m going to have a glass of water right when I wake up.” Or “Tomorrow, I’m going to take 5 minutes to take a walk instead of eating lunch at my desk again.” Each little win is an important piece of the success momentum puzzle.
- Create visual reminders of your recent success. Using a sticky note, jot down a recent success and post it on the mirror of your bathroom. As you brush your teeth each AM/PM you will be reminded, even if it is subconsciously, of your brave moments. IMPORTANT: Be current and specific. “I was super brave when I had that hard conversation about feeling overwhelmed with my boss/partner/spouse.” Or “I have no idea what I’m doing when I’m caring for my grandmother and I’m proud of myself for taking on that responsibility.” Or “I was so nervous that I was shaking when I did the presentation at work and I am really happy with how it went.” Or “I had a million reasons not to go for a walk today and I did it.” (If you need a bit more privacy because of shared space, just write a down a single word to remind you of the successful feeling.)
- Daily reflection. Before bed, spend as little as one minute writing down how you moved forward that day. It can be simple things such as, “I paid that parking ticket I’ve been meaning to pay for a week now.” or “I packed my lunch today and ate a little bit healthier.”
**Extra credit: Look for moments when you believe in your deepest self that you are worthy and enough. Because it’s true.
Have a great week guys!
XO times a million!